There are three fundamental rules every child learns upon entering my play-therapy studio: “Be Safe, Be Kind, and Have Fun.” That is because after twenty years of running social skills groups, and twenty years prior to that as a school teacher, I learned nearly every behavioral and difficult relational issue can be resolved by addressing these three seemingly simple tenets. “Were you being safe when you ran head first towards the glass windows?” “Were you being kind when you changed the rules and cheated to win?” This not only works with my child clients, but also with my teens and adults, “Did you have any thoughts regarding safety when you drank too much and drove, or had unprotected sex?” “How do you think your partner felt when criticized, or cheated on?”. It probably goes without saying, but if the first two principles are not being followed, the capacity to “Have Fun” doesn’t exist.
Having fun is not as inconsequential as it may seem. At any age, the ability to play is critical to both physical and mental well being. Play increases intimacy, leads to lasting relationships, fosters self-esteem, and can bring about decreased anxiety, and depression.* In the studio, this often looks like a child who is so afraid to lose they refuse to engage in a group game. Finally they try the game, encouraged on by peers, and come to realize it’s fun. Boom! Anxiety and depression crushed by a rush of dopamine, thereby resulting in a reparative experience. With a couple, a weekend away to play can do wonders for their relationship.
As we sit on the precipice of a potential war in Ukraine and perhaps beyond, I wonder what the leaders of said countries would say if someone asked them if their geo-political interests took into consideration being safe, kind, and having fun? Perhaps within their own rationalized thinking, an Autocrat would answer “yes”. But what about the larger world? So much of what is understood regarding positive socialization has to do with “pro-social” behavior: treating others with kindness and compassion, understanding how your behavior affects others, and setting aside your own needs for the greater good. I often wonder if the future of humanity will boil down to the mastery or failure of this capacity?
We seem to have become a society steeped in personal gain, hyper focused on personal freedoms regardless of the cost to others. Social Thinking expert and author Michelle Garcia Winner, calls this, “Just me thinking” as opposed to Social Thinking® or “Thinking of Others.”** Public shaming is an outgrowth of this social ill. In her recent article entitled: “The Power of Embracing Vulnerability,” Mary Sykes Wylie writes, “While public shaming has always been a popular sport, the advent of online shaming . . . took it to unprecedented levels. Nowadays, the mass shaming of just about anybody for just about any reason, however trivial, is much easier, longer lasting, and possibly more poisonous than at any time in human history.”***
I can personally attest to this. This past week I had two separate instances of teen clients coming to me in anguish because a peer had made untrue accusations on social media that were going viral. “Cancel-culture” was threatening to destroy their reputations at age 14 & 15. One of them was afraid of losing friends and being “beat-up.” Another became suicidal, “My life is over. No one will talk to me, no one will want to be seen with me.” I foolishly suggested, “What if you go on-line and tell your truth?” “That doesn’t work,” said my client. “The harder you try to fight it, the more people think you are guilty.” Where does kindness and compassion fit into a society where information, false or true, can be used to weaponize individuals and cultures at large?
In order to cope with my own despair, I dedicated this weekend to rest, play, reading and meditation. It was in this space, I came across an article written by Zen teacher and poet Norman Fischer****. He defines the Mahayana interpretation of the Mindfulness Sutra in this way:
“The path of mindfulness is also the path of caring. In the end, to be mindful is to profoundly accept, with love, all that lives, humans and non humans alike. And out of this love comes a deep commitment to help and not to harm. Because life wants to protect and preserve itself, when your mindfulness practice shows you that you are not only yourself and your family and your group, but you are life itself, then naturally you are benevolent. You want to be of service.”
Children are amazing teachers. Because they are so open minded and pliable, they can change their relational skills rapidly once they practice safety, kindness, and fun. It is adults who have the greater challenge embracing this, and as we see on the world stage, their choices have the potential for a much greater impact on us all.
This week I intend to breathe more, to open my mind to other ways of seeing, and to practice safety, compassion, and fun. I hope you’ll join me.
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Disclaimer:
Neither the publisher nor the author are engaged in rendering advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions continued in this blog are not intended as a substitute for consulting with a licensed mental health and or child development advisor. All matters regarding the health and development of your child require professional supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestions in this blog.
*Posted by aludwig. “How Play Supports Kids’ Mental Health & Emotional Development.” Posted in: In the Community Learning through Play Parenting. May 2021. https://www.portdiscovery.org.
*Robinson, Lawrence, Smith, Melinda, M.A., Segul, Jeanne, Ph,D., Shubin, Jennifer. “The Benefits of Play for Adults.” “Well-Being & Happiness.” Last up-dated, July 2021. https://www.helpguide.org
**Winner, Michelle Garcia. https://www.socialthinking.com/
***Wylie Mary Sykes. “The Power of Embracing Vulnerability.” Psychotherapy Networker. February, 2022. https://www.psychotherapynetworker.org
**Fischer, Norman. “The Mindful Bodhisattva.” Lion’s Roar: “Finding Calm in Times of Anxiety.” March 2022, pg. 40-43.