I was fortunate to be invited to participate in a yoga workshop this weekend. The instructor, in addition to teaching yoga, also happens to be a psychotherapist. The workshop was entitled, “Psychology of Yoga,”* and focused on the integration of the two modalities.
My big take away from this workshop was a seemingly simple exercise. After several deep breathing exercises and poses used to open up the unconscious, the instructor asked us to place our hands over our heart and say something kind to ourselves. Then she said, “People are so hard on themselves. I often think I love my clients more than they love themselves. What if each of you made a practice of saying a loving thought to yourself every day?”
I felt a little cynicism enter my mind. Could something this simple really be meaningful? I decided to lift my doubt and go for it. What popped into my head was something my acupuncturist had shared with me the previous day as she studied my chakras, “I see you as a bright moon goddess, a healer with sparkling lights radiating out of you.” I drew in a deep breath, held my hands over my heart, and told myself I was a sparkly moon goddess healer, then immediately began to doubt it and laughed at myself. “Try to take the positive message in,” my teacher said, as if reading my mind. So I took another deep breath and focused on letting the message in without obstruction. I can honestly say, it felt really good. I liked that image of myself.
After the workshop, I turned on National Public Radio and listened to the podcast, “Hidden Brain,”** with host and creator Shankar Vedantam. The program was part two of a series called “Mind Reading 2.0: How others see you.” The show focused on social illusions and the distorted impressions we create of ourselves.
As I listened, what became clear is how chronically hard we are on ourselves. Research psychologist Erica Boothby, explained that we actually are perceived by others in a much better light than we see ourselves. Our tendency when we first meet people, is to believe they like us a whole lot less than they actually do. I began to wonder where this tendency comes from? Have we been socialized to think more critically of ourselves than we really are? And could we change that tendency if we began to practice self affirming thoughts on a daily basis?
As I began to search for articles on Self Criticism, I came upon Nick Wignail’s article entitled, “4 Psychological Reasons You’re So Self-Critical.” He suggests the following:
It was modeled at a young age.
You believe being tough on yourself is motivating.
You’re afraid of appearing arrogant.
You think self-compassion is self-indulgent.
My own belief is that the tendency to self criticize begins very young. I have seen it played out in my studio with kids as young as 5 and 6 years of age. Self critical comments abound when they perceive themselves to not run fast enough, throw, draw, or play well. What came to mind was a two year old I spotted this weekend, running up and down a court yard shouting to his parents, “I didn’t fall!” They cheered his efforts, so he repeated the effort over and over again. Then suddenly he tripped and fell. A cry of terror rang out. The scraped knee was saved by a Band-Aid, but I wondered where that perfectionistic need to succeed stemmed from at such an early age. Was it the adults at the scene who went from joy to panic, or was it programmed into the child from the start?
Could it be, I wondered, that self criticism is a genetically predisposed personality trait? According to twin and adoption gene studies, “Human personality is 30—60% heritable.”*** If that’s true I pondered, is our tendency to be self critical actually an evolutionary trait? This question led me to Kristen Dold’s article entitled, “Your Tendency to Be Self-Critical Is Actually Evolution at Work.”****. The first sentence of the article is, “Dwelling on dumb mistakes is part of what’s kept us alive.” She quotes a senior fellow at the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley and author of “Hardwiring Happiness," Rick Hanson. “Our propensity to focus in on the negative (Scientists call it a ‘negativity bias’) protects us from making the same mistakes again in the future. As hunter-gatherers, it kept us alive. But there’s a modern day kink: The brain has a hard time distinguishing between physical harm and social harm. This social harm tends to lend to rumination, anxiety and depression.”**** Hanson goes on to say, “Most big time ruminators can simply blame their genetic makeup and temperament—they’re biologically hardwired to react more intensely or negatively when embarrassing, annoying, or hurtful events happen. And once that worry muscle in the brain has been built up, it’s hard not to keep using it.” He says, “Practicing mindfulness-even five minutes a day-can make you less susceptible to those mini-movies in your brain.”
There it is, evolutionary traits at work causing us to self criticize as a means of survival. Since the brain is capable of great change, perhaps my yoga teacher’s instruction is of paramount importance. The next time you want to beat yourself up, try accepting the fact that your tendency to do so is normal, biologically driven even, then switch the course of your negative thoughts with a five minute mindful meditation, and add a self affirming comment into the mix. If you begin to feel better about yourself, let me know. I’ll be practicing it right along with you.
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Disclaimer:
Neither the publisher nor the author are engaged in rendering advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions continued in this blog are not intended as a substitute for consulting with a licensed mental health and or child development advisor. All matters regarding the health and development of your child require professional supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestions in this blog.
*Williquette, Maria. “Psychology of Yoga Workshop.” Sellwood Yoga. Feb. 12th, 2022.
**Vedantam, Shankar. “Hidden Brain.” “Mind Reading 2.0: How others see you.” Https://hiddenbrain.org.
*** Zwir, I., Arnedo, J., Del-Val, C. Et al. “Uncovering the Complex Genetics of Human Character.” Molecular Psychiatry 25, 2295-2312 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1028/s4138-018-0263-6
** Dold, Kristen. “Your Tendency to Be Self-Critical Is Actually Evolution at Work.” Health. Apr 24 2017. https://vice.com