Welcome to “Playful Posts”, and our first ever blog post. It seems fitting to begin a new way of communicating with our clients and those beyond, as we make the transition from summer to fall.
Today I want to commiserate with you parents who have kids heading back to school, and are feeling overwhelmed by the transition. This year, it is particularly challenging after having survived a year plus of virtual schooling, followed by various hybrid models. Children who have never, or barely been in a school classroom, are already entering grade 1 or 2. Fifth and sixth graders are moving from the consistency of a single teacher elementary school classroom to multiple classrooms in middle school. High schoolers jumped from seventh grade to Freshman year!
It’s a time of year to take a deep breath, create schedules to make your life more consistent and predictable, and hopefully grab a well deserved relaxation break. You are remarkable!
In our Olympians Social Skills group this past week, the issue of transitioning to middle school came up BIG time! It’s challenging enough for neuro-typical students, but my exceptionally brilliant clients with their executive functioning challenges are feeling “stressed”, and “overwhelmed”. Here is my Social Emotional Tale on the subject that led to a great conversation about Parent-Child interactive problem solving:
“Don’t Eat Mom!”
Matilda was off to Middle School for the first time. No more one teacher, one classroom, and assignments sent home in packets. Now it was six classes, six times the homework, six times the teachers, and loud fast passing periods. It’s also the time when bullies roam the hallways, looking for someone to pick on . . . someone like Matilda.
So Matilda, kept her head down, muttered to herself, and avoided the bathrooms at all costs. The whole thing made her feel VERY anxious and completely Overwhelmed. She held it together quite well at school, but after surviving a day of intense concentration and bladder holding, she was exhausted.
As soon as she got home, all she wanted to do was crawl into a ball and pet her cat. Then she wanted to follow her favorite YouTuber, or watch Anime. Mom had a VERY different idea, “Time for homework!” She said. “What!” Said Matilda in disbelief. ‘I just got done with six hours of school, escaped Sadie Sunshine, and her posse of mean girls, and had to run a mile in P.E. after losing my water bottle! You can’t expect me to come home to more school!”
“No screen time until homework is done Sweetie” insisted Mom. “AUGHHH!” Yelled Matilda. “I HATE this! It’s your fault!!! GRRRRRR!!!!” In a second Matilda had grown seven serpent heads and devoured Mom in one gulp! “Yikes! Let me outa here” cried Mom from her belly. Dad ran in, opened Matilda’s fifth head, reached in and pulled out Mom. “Don’t eat your Mom!” He said.
That night Matilda’s parents had a plan. “We’ll let you have one hour of screen time after school, then it’s homework til dinnertime.” They forgot about piano lessons, and Martial Arts class, Social Thinking group, and soccer. On those days, which was most of the week, Matilda had Zero free time. GRRRRR!
On the fifth day of the week, after Matilda had settled into her YouTube zone, it seemed as if five minutes had passed, when Mom came in and pulled the plug on her computer. “I’ve asked you to turn that darn thing off ten times!” yelled Mom. “I didn’t hear you!” Shouted Matilda. Back came the seven headed beast. It threw Mom into the air and swallowed her whole. “Help!” Cried Mom. Brother Billy ran in, tickled Matilda’s seven headed beast belly until she laughed up Mom. “Yuck!” Shouted Billy, that’s nasty.
That night Matilda’s parents had a new plan. “A ten minute warning, then we pull the plug.” “That’s fair” thought Matilda. But the next day when Hiroko was chasing a dragon in her favorite Anime series, Mom, gave the warning, and Matilda didn’t hear it, again. Out came the plug and seven heads began to grow. This time Mom ran, but poor Baxter, the family dog got swallowed. Fortunately Mrs. Bechum, the family cat, pried open the second head and Baxter jumped free.
That night Matilda’s parents were stumped, so they asked her for a plan. Matilda wrote it down in three minutes flat:
One hour of free time, not on screen, but walking or reading in my room.
A snack.
Homework til dinnertime, then no more even if I don’t finish it.
Screen time til bath. I set a timer, then reading after tooth brushing til lights out.
“Why didn’t we think of that? Asked Matilda’s parents?” The Seven Headed Beast never appeared again.
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Heading back to school is one of the most difficult transitions parents and kids face each year. This is particularly true when it involves a new school, or a change in grade level.
People often take their stress out on the safest people, their family members. Exceptional children are no different, and often use their parents, particularly Moms as venting vehicles. They know, Moms are tough, and will love them regardless. What they don’t understand is the toll this takes on you.
Many parents lose their tempers and yell or say things they wish they hadn’t. The body’s response to stress is the release of hormones activating the sympathetic nervous system. Our instinctive reaction to any being in fight mode is to fight back. This creates a cycle of guilt in both the child and the parent, causing more distress.
Some parents accommodate the melt-downs by blaming the child’s diagnosis, “They can’t help it, they have . . .” But no one else will ever be willing to accept the emotional and or physical abuse that comes along with a melt-down, nor should they.
When an exceptional child goes into “melt-down” mode, think of it as an “indicator light” alerting you to “too much stress”. There are many coping mechanisms for this. One way to deal with anxiety is to make a plan or a schedule, the other is to let the child have some agency over that plan. Finally, if too much homework is a trigger for family conflict or damage to relationships, see if you can get an agreement from your child’s school to lighten the load. More is not generally better. I.E.P.’s or 504’s can be very helpful in this regard. If you don’t have a system like that in place, see if you can get the individual teacher(s) or school counselor to agree to a homework limit for each class.
In the end, the anxiety caused from too much stress, and family relational damage, is far more destructive than not completing assignments.
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Disclaimer:
Neither the publisher nor the author are engaged in rendering advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions continued in this blog are not intended as a substitute for consulting with a licensed mental health and or child development advisor. All matters regarding the health and development of your child require professional supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestions in this blog.