This week a lot of concerns came into the Practice about loneliness, real or perceived, and how anxiety, caused by the fear of social rejection, can lead to that loneliness. Whether on the playground, surrounded by peers, or even in a family, one can feel lonely, particularly if “negative narratives” are looping in one’s mind.
A common defense mechanism for loneliness is anger, and an outward projection of that anger onto others. Under stress, dysfunctional thought patterns can occur, particularly with rigid thinkers who are struggling with perspective and problem solving. Here are three that came up this week:
1. If I am feeling sad and lonely, someone else is to blame.
2. If I am feeling sad and lonely, nothing can be done about it.
3. If I am feeling bad, others should too. That makes life even.
A social emotional tale that came out of the pain this week is, “The Toe Crusher” (See Below). Here are some amazing problem solving solutions that came from trying to help the Protagonist in this story:
From our younger kids:
“Try to be nice, not mean, and you will have more friends.” We set an “Act of Kindness” goal this week.
From our older kids:
“Try to find a kid sitting alone. They are probably lonely too and looking for friends.”
And,
“Look for the alternative kids, the ones who everyone else thinks are “weird”, but really they are super cool and interesting.”
Meanwhile, if your child is a social isolator, try to challenge them with at least one Social Goal per day, i.e. “Meet a new friend today”, or “See if you can jump into someone else’s game today.” For older kids: “Set-up a hang-out with at least one friend per week.” It’s important to understand having and keeping friends requires this skill called, “Initiate”. Don’t wait for others to come to you. Be the one to invite, and if you’re turned down, find a “cool kid” who may be “weird” in the most awesome way.
“The Toe Crusher”
(Anxiety; Isolation; False narratives; Revenge; Blaming; Curiosity, Initiation)
Torey was headed back to school, after a long break. Thinking about it made his head swarm, and his tummy wanna puke. At night he couldn’t stop his brain from “what-if” thoughts. “What if no one likes me?” “What if no one eats lunch with me?” “What if I get bullied?”
He was super excited to see his friends from last year, Bindi and Zora, but he hadn’t seen them all summer, so he worried. Would they would still like him? So Torey hid. During class he hid in the bathroom making toilet paper pals, during recess he hid in a tree, spying.
When he finally spotted Bindi and Zora at recess, he jumped down from the tree and made a beeline for them. But, just before he got to them they linked arms and walked the other direction. “Ouch!” Torey’s worst fears seemed true. “They don’t like me anymore!”
What Torey didn’t understand was Bindi and Zora weren’t avoiding him. They didn’t even SEE him. The story they had in their minds was, “Torey must have moved.” Torey didn’t realize he had created a “wrong story” in his mind, with a bad ending. So he continued to hide.
The next day, from his spy perch, Torey saw Bindi and Zora playing Smash Ball with some other kids. They were laughing and having so much fun, Torey wanted to explode! “Why should they have fun when I’m miserable!” “Now they’ve made new friends instead of me”. An awful voice inside Torey’s head whispered, “It’s because you’re weird, you stink like smelly socks, and no one likes you!”
Torey sniffed at himself. “I don’t smell like stinky socks!” “That’s right, you don’t” said the voice, but those kids think you do!” Then the voice grew mean, “They don’t deserve to be happy. Destroy their game!” So Torey jumped out of his tree, ran across the field, grabbed the smash ball and ran as fast as he could away from a group of screaming kids, “HEY GIVE GIVE US OUR BALL BACK!”
Bindi and Zora saw it was Torey, but because he’d ruined their game, they weren’t happy to see him, they were FURIOUS. They marched up and said, “You’re so mean Torey! We NEVER wanna be your friend. Not in a ba-zillion years!” Torey had just made his own bad-ending happen. Only, in his story, HE was the one being picked on.
Every recess Torey hid in his spy tree waiting to ruin anyone’s game who was having fun. He got kids to chase him, he kicked balls away, he burped in people’s faces. Pretty soon, it became a kind of a game for him, “I can make anyone chase me!” Pretty soon, he felt POWERFUL, “I can make anyone scream!”
When recess was over Torey found happy kids in line and stomped on their feet, crushing their toes. AUGHHHHH!!!! The power made him laugh a kind of villain laugh “Ahh ha ha!” The kids began to call him “The Toe Crusher”. In Torey’s mind, they deserved it for “bullying” him. “Everyone’s mean to me” he told his Mom. “No one wants to play with me.”
Torey, The Toe Crusher, became famous, but not in a good way. Everyone screamed when they saw him, ran the other direction, and hid. Soon there was no one playing at recess, and no games to ruin. Soon, the kids wore steel boots, so their toes couldn’t be crushed. Torey sat in his spy tree with no one to spy on, and no one to hurt. He felt super lonely.
One day, from his tree, he spied a new kid. The only kid on the playground, sitting all alone. Torey was about to run up and crush his toes, but this kid didn’t look happy. He looked kinda sad, kinda lonely. He was holding a strange alien looking rock. Torey was curious, so, he took a chance. He went up to the kid and said “Hi, I’m Torey. What’s that?” “It’s a geode” said the new kid. “It’s got crystals inside.” “How do you know?” asked Torey. My Mom told me. She gave it to me for my first day at school, in case I had no one to play with. When I get home, I getta take a hammer and crush it open.” “Whoa” said Torey, “That’s epic! Something you can crush, that has magic inside.”
“Yeah” said the new kid. “I’m Horrence. The kids at my last school called me “Horrence the Horrible” ‘cause I kinda bullied them. I didn’t mean too, I was just mad, I guess.” Rocky understood, “Hey, you wanna see my spy tree?” “Sure” said Horrence. And so they climbed the tree, and renamed it “The Geode Tree”. They met each other every recess, and decided they were aliens who’d come to earth with magic crystals to save kids from bullies.
Soon, other kids got curious about the Geode Tree. Good thing there were a lot of branches on it! Rocky and Horrence became known as “The Geode Brothers”, telling awesome pretend stories from the Geode tree. And, Janitor Jones wondered why the toilet paper pals suddenly stopped appearing in the bathroom . . .
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Neither the publisher nor the author are engaged in rendering advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions continued in this blog are not intended as a substitute for consulting with a licensed mental health and or child development advisor. All matters regarding the health and development of your child require professional supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestions in this blog.