A great mentor of mine used to tell me, “Hormonal development continues at a normal pace even when cognitive development is delayed.”* For children with developmental delays this means they will experience all the physical changes and mood irregularities of adolescence while they have the social emotional maturity of a much younger person.
It strikes me during our current COVID pandemic, that the hormonal changes of adolescents are carrying on at a normal clip while social emotional maturity has been stunted due to the limitations of socializing and distanced schooling. Social isolation and distancing has hampered peer interaction, thereby stunting normal social emotional growth.
It is very normal for a middle school tween to desire increasing independence, thus begins the process of individuating from their parents. Normally this looks like trips to the mall with your friends, going to the movies without your parents, having sleepovers, taking off to the neighborhood store or coffee shop with friends, attending after school extracurriculars and summer camp.
Most of the Tweens I meet with have spent the past two years home-bound. Gone are the natural social events of necessary development, dances, sporting events, concerts. Parents often experience anxiety and/or grief during this “seeking independence” phase. But now it is compounded by fears of the virus. So how, in this environment can parents withstand the vapid mood swings and the needs of their tweens/teens to develop greater independence while being forced into an enmeshed family situation out of dire health needs?
The answer is, “However you can.” Social pods have become a necessary coping strategy during this time of mandated isolation. Social interaction doesn’t have to occur in large numbers, but it does have to happen for normal development. It is also critical to understand your child’s mood swings and the need for independence by doing things like asking you to knock before entering their room, as normal and necessary. If there are friends from families you know who are vaccinated and boosted, encourage your child to host or attend a sleepover. Allow your tween/teen to attend social events that are limited in number and scope where vaccines are mandated. Let them have friends over and give them space.
Most young people are gifted at shifting and accommodating to current circumstances, it’s adults that can often hamper that capacity based on their own fears. Navigating the anxiety of COVID, while encouraging some social contact is a difficult tightrope to walk. But if we parents allow ourselves to get swallowed up by fear, that fear can literally harm the necessary process of social emotional maturation. As much as you want them to want you, they absolutely need their friends.
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Disclaimer:
Neither the publisher nor the author are engaged in rendering advice or services to the individual reader. The ideas, procedures, and suggestions continued in this blog are not intended as a substitute for consulting with a licensed mental health and or child development advisor. All matters regarding the health and development of your child require professional supervision. Neither the author nor the publisher shall be liable or responsible for any loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or suggestions in this blog.
- Barbara Kalmanson, PhD. Child & Adolescent Psychology. Kentfield, CA. Founding Academic Dean of the ICDL Graduate School, and senior faculty member.